Sunday, February 26, 2012

The First Day

I'm impatient. Like, reeeallly impatient.


Which is part of the reason why weight loss has never stuck for me. I need results to stay motivated. And I need them yesterday now (I also need to learn to not eat so much cheese, but that's another story)! I need to learn to have more patience, I need to learn to stick with things. And I have thought long and hard about what I am doing with my body, and my life, and I have learned a lot about myself.

I learned that I am really sick and tired. I am sick and tired of saying tomorrow, and of making excuses. I am sick of being scared of going to the doctor, for fear of what they'll tell me. I am sick of my mother worrying about me, and the high likelihood that I will become diabetic if I don't get my health in check.

I am tired of skipping out on things because I am fat, and embarrassed. I'm sick of not wanting to go out with my girlfriends because (even though I have no interest in picking up guys) I don't want to be looked at as the fat friend. Even though I am.


I want to grow up a bit. I want to hit rock bottom and turn it around and have some amazing success story. But I haven't, and this is no success story (not yet).

But the cold, hard, can't-deny-it-anymore truth about why I can't/won't/don't lose weight is, I'm scared. I have spent years crafting and perfecting the funny friend role because I couldn't be the pretty friend... Will I lose that role along with the weight? I'm scared I'll start my weight loss journey, and never leave the house because I obsess over everything I put in my mouth. I am such an all or nothing person that I worry I will never find a balance. I'm scared I'll have to stop drinking with my friends, I'm 24, that's how we bond (not ALL the time- stop judging). I'm scared that I won't be fun anymore. I worry that my body doesn't have a healthy/happy weight. What if the weight my body naturally falls into is 200 pounds? What if the only way to maintain an ideal weight is to constantly be working at it, counting calories, and spending hours at the gym, instead of enjoying life? What if it isn't possible to permanently maintain a 100+ pound weight loss. I'm scared I'll lose my armor. That thick shield that protected me from the world. I'm scared I'll fail... again. I'm scared I'll succeed. What if I lose the weight, get to what I think is my "ideal" body (working with what I got, because ideally I'd look like this, but that ain't gonna happen), and I'm still unhappy? What if I can't do it?


The truth is I can do it. I just have to decide to do it. And no more doing it for the wrong reasons. I've always set out to lose weight for a specific event, or that weekend, to look good in front of those people, to fit into that dress, to wear a two-piece swimsuit for the first time in ten years (although the whole two-piece thing is an added bonus). I have come to learn that that kind of thinking isn't what is going to help me make a lifestyle change.

I can do it because I want to do it for life. I can do it because I want to change my habits, and improve my health. I can do it because I don't want my mother to worry about me anymore (she will still worry, just not about my health). I can do it because I want to set an example for my nieces, and nephew, and future children. I can do it because I want to be proud of myself. I can do it because I want to set a goal and reach it. I can do it because I am not going to under estimate my abilities anymore.


It will be a bit of trial and error, but I know what, and how I need to eat. I know what I need to do. I just have to put it all in motion. I'm not letting anyone (especially myself), or anything get in my way. It will be hard work, and it will take some time to figure out what will work for me, and to fight the all-or-nothing tendencies I posses. I didn't put on all this weight in 6 months, and I shouldn't expect to lose it that quickly. But I will stick with it, and make this weight loss, a permanent lifestyle change!